You Know You’re Owned by a Kerry When…

  • You have a mental list of people you’d like to spay or neuter.
  • You stopped at a house with a “Free Puppies” sign in the yard to have an educational “Chat,” and your kids had to post your bail.
  • Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
  • You not only know all the characteristics of a good “stool,” you discuss them at dinner.
  • Your checks show a Kerry.
  • You have a bumper sticker that reads “My Kerry Is Smarter Than Your Graduate Student.”
  • You can compare and contrast the finer elements of different kibble brands the way some people talk about wine.
  • You secretly wonder about such things as how Kerries can manage without wiping.
  • You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
  • You have phone calls forwarded to PetsMart.
  • When your animal projectile vomits, you compare the speed and trajectory with previous incidents, and if the statistics fall short, you worry if the
    animal is okay.
  • You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
  • Given the choice of having your teeth cleaned or their teeth cleaned, they get their teeth cleaned.
  • You not only allow Kerries on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has “territorial issues.”
  • Anytime the animal appears lethargic, you go on-line and investigate vetmed websites, pose questions to your address book and on KerryBlues-L, and
    by the time you digest all the information and field the correspondence, your Kerry has torn out the window screens, masticated a couch cushion
    and left something disgusting in your favorite pair of shoes.
  • Your chatroom handle is “Queen of Spayeds.”
  • You and your vet are on a first name basis and he genuflects when you enter the waiting room.
  • His daughter at Harvard refers to you as “Auntie.”
  • You’ve forwarded more warnings about the dangers of chocolate, onions and mistletoe than the National Centers for Disease Control has issued about
    anthrax and smallpox.
  • By the time you investigate different flea control products, their advantages and potential risks, natural versus chemical methods, and study the life
    cycle of the flea, any fleas have died of old age.
  • You tell your children to “heel!” in a grocery store.
  • For relaxation, you went mall hopping with your girlfriends. Your eyes glazed over when you saw a sign in front of a pet shop, “20% Off All Puppies
    & Kittens,” and you slapped three security guards before they got you safely contained in the manager’s office.
  • You spend eleven months of the year preaching an appreciation and understanding of canine behavior and the nature of the Kerry, then you stick fake
    reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Card.
  • Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they’ve never seen a nativity scene where the holy family is
    depicted by Kerries.

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