An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl with a Kerry on her lap are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train
goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is
red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
Three Kerryman Jokes
A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.
“Just a minute sir,” said the girl on the desk.
“Thank you,” said the Kerryman and hung up.
A Kerryman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice “DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR”, he moaned to himself,
“And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”
A Kerryman rushed into a barber’s shop with a Kerry Blue Terrier under his arm.
“Where did you get that?” asked the barber.
“I won him in a raffle,” said the dog.
A Swallowed Coin
A small boy was playing on the street in Killarney when he accidentally swallowed a coin which then became stuck in his throat.
With the boy choking, his mother ran along the street screaming for help.
Luckily, a passer-by intervened and hit the boy hard on the back so he coughed up the coin. “Oh thank you so much, doctor,” said the mother.
“I’m not a doctor,” said the passer-by, “I work for the Internal Revenue Service.”
A very ugly man walks into a bar in Killarney and says to the bartender, ?I?ll bet you 100 pounds that I can get the next woman to walk into this bar to
kiss me.? Seeing how hideously ugly the man was, the bartender took the bet.
A few minutes later a very attractive woman walks in with her Kerry and sits at a table near the bar. The ugly man walks over and sits down next to her.
A few minutes later the woman leans over and kisses the ugly man on the lips.
The ugly man returns to the bartender and collects on the bet. ?How did you get her to kiss you?? asked the bartender. ?Simple,? replied the ugly man.
?I told her that I bet the bartender 100 pounds that I could get you to kiss me. If you kiss me, I?ll split the 100 pounds with you. You see I may
be ugly, but I?m not stupid.?
A secret agent was sent to County Kerry, having been told that he was to contact a spy called Tadgm McGillicudy.
The code he was to use was: “The brown bull is in the green field.”
On a country boreen the agent met a farmer and told him he was looking for a Tadgin McGillicudy.
“Well now, fella, that’s not sufficient information,” said the farmer, “for in this parish alone there’s a quare few Tadgin McGillicudys. There’s a Tadgin
Mar, for one. Then there’s Tadgin Glic, Tadgin the Weasel, Tadgin the Plover and Tadgin with the loose gallases.”
The secret agent felt that he had to use the code and he furtively mumbled: “The brown bull is in the green field.”
“Ah for pity’s sake,” said the farmer, “it’s Tadgin the Spy you’re looking for.”
A poor Irish man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ”I’m going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on and put the Kerry
in his crate.”
The woman replied, ”Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?”
The man replied, ”No, I’m turning the heat off.”
A newly married couple in County Kerry was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. Luckily, the Kerry Blue escaped the fire.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all,
this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends
and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Meeting the In-laws
A young American called O’Brien had met the lovely Colette at the university in Dublin and romance blossomed and then fully bloomed.Twas not long before O’Brien was invited back to County Kerry to meet Colette’s family –
the Cassidys, farmers of long standing. As always, the family gathered in the front room, or parlour, and father-in-law-to-be, Mick Cassidy, began
to hold court on the day’s work at the farm.
While tea and cakes and sandwiches were brought in, Mick said to O’Brien: I’ve shovelled fourteen and a half tons of manure this afternoon – have another
With that the American came over to Mick, and muttered ‘No thanks.’
‘This morning I shovelled over fifteen tons of manure, have a custard cream.’
‘No thanks,’ was the weak reply.
A short time later Cassidy senior left the room and the young suitor said: ‘Your father’s a lovely man, but he keeps talking about manure all the time.
It’s putting me off my grub. Can’t you get him to say fertiliser?’
Listen,’ said Colette, ‘it’s taken us years to get him to say manure!’
Ireland Declares War on the French
Submitted by Barbara WrightJacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Kerry, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on ya!”
“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean,
me next door neighbor Seamus, and the
entire Kerry Blue Terrier club. That makes ten!”
Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring ya back. Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get
us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Chirac asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy’s farm tractor.”
Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since
we last spoke”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to ya.” Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have
managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.”
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases
are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring ya back” Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am
sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war.”
Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.
Submitted by Barabara Kam
Two Blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
“Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”
Submitted by Aaron Esh