How to call the police
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock yourdoors and an officer will be along when one is available”
George said, “Okay.”
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because
I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulances howed up at the Phillips’ residence, and
caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George,”I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Irish Love Story
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater
effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years,seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards
a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon …….
Leave them alone she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
Two Irish nuns
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”
A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Kerry sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Kerry replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Kerry looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they
had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now
I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!’
This Kerry feels rich
A man and his Kerry went into a pub.
The barman said “Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!”
The Kerry said “Oh please don’t be like that, I’m trained and I won’t cause any trouble!”
The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it’s owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog “Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you
go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread?”
“Sure!” Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.
When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone.
The barman said “It’s ok he’s gone down to the bakery for me” The owner was livid “It IS NOT OK he’s never been out on his own, anything could happen to
him he could get run over.
The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way,
he went down and there was his dog having it’s wicked way with a lady Kerry. “ROVER!” Shouted the owner “You’ve had me worried sick, what’s the matter
with you you’ve never dissapeared like this before!”
The Kerry replied “I’ve never had a fiver before!”
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas
Father O’Malley returned home from his morning walk with his Kerry. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be
so kind as to send over a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father replied,
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!” ?
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment…….
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go
to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. Usually their Kerry, Finnegan, is with him in the den. He says to himself,
‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, where is Finnegan?’
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, where is Finnegan?’
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, where is Finnegan?’
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, where is Finnegan?’
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, where is Finnegan?’
‘For God sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, he?s in the yard!’