Second Batch of Kerry Jokes

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is visiting County Kerry. He is driving around the Ring of Kerry and
stopped at a typical farm house and start talking to the farmer.

“I see ya got an old Kerry dog. Mind if I talk to him?” Dog doesn’t talk!” came the reply. “Oh, I’ll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?”
says the ventriloquist while petting the Kerry”. “Oh, not bad”, says the dog. “Man feeds me good and I just lay around the kitchen.”, came
the reply from the dog.

The farmer was amazed! The ventriloquist was having fun so he says, “I see you’ve got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?” “Horse doesn’t
talk!” replied the farmer. “Oh, I’ll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?” says the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose. “Oh, not bad
says the horse. Man stays home a lot. I just hang around eating hay.” came the reply from the horse.

Now the farmer was really amazed! The ventriloquist was enjoying this so he says, “I see you’ve got some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to
them?” “OH…SHEEP LIE…SHEEP LIE!!” replied the farmer.

 

A Pint of Whiskey

The nunnery in Killarney, County Kerry, is on Donegal Street, a block away from Jack’s liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the whiskey.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could
never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!” “Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped.
“It helps her constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the whiskey. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, whom should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s
constipation!” Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s going to shit!” 

 

First-time Kerry Owner

This Kerry owner went to the vet for the very first time: “Why, sir, what kind of veterinarian are you?”

Vet: “I was a naval veterinarian.”

Kerry owner: “Goodness, how you vets do specialize.”

Broke

A merchant tried for many months to collect an overdue bill, but with no success. Finally, he sent a tear-jerking letter accompanied by a picture
of his daughter. Under it he wrote, “The reason I need the money.”

By return mail came a photo of a family with their five Kerries. It was captioned, “The reason I can’t pay.”

 

 

A Vet, a Plumber and a Kerry

A vet had trouble with his plumbing. The pipes in his bathroom began to leak. The leak became bigger and bigger.

Even though it was 2 a.m., the vet decided to phone his plumber. Naturally the plumber got sore being awakened at that hour of the morning. “For
Pet’s sake, Doc,” he wailed, “This is some time to wake up a guy.”

“Well,” the vet answered testily, “you’ve never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night when your Kerry has a problem. Now, it just happens
I’ve got a plumbing emergency.”

There was a moment’s silence. Then the plumber spoke up. “Right you are, Doc,” he agreed. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

The vet explained about the leak in the bathroom.

“Tell you what to do,” the plumber offered. “Take two aspirins every four hours, drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn’t cleared up by morning,
phone me at the office.”

The following eight jokes were provided by Patrick Branswijck (Belgium) and Bas Tieman (The Netherlands).

Labs versus Kerries

A Lab thinks: “The people I live with feed me, they love me, they give me a warm place to live, they do anything for me, they must be gods!”

A Kerry thinks: “The people I live with feed me, they love me, they give me a warm place to live, they do anything for me, they must think I am
a god!”

Water bowl

A lady is shopping for a water bowl for her Kerry. The shopkeeper shows her an expensive bowl engraved with “For our Kerry”.

“That engraving will not be necessary,” she explains to the shopkeeper “My Kerry can’t read and my husband doesn’t drink water.”