First Batch of Kerry Jokes

Aussie Stamina

Submitted by Wayne Lewis, Australia

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. “Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”

The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!”

So, the druggist asked, “Then what do you do with all those condoms?” The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my Kerry Blue and now she poops in little plastic bags.”

 

Teaching a Kerry to Read and Write

Submitted by Michael Cunnington, Australia

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wonders, “How am I gonna get more dough?”

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach our Kerry Blue how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says.

“How do I get him in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this, they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!”

“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home,

his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin” around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?’ “

The father says, “What! I hope you SHOT the lying hound!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

 

A Kerry Christmas Eve

Tonight’s my first night as a watchdog and here it is Christmas Eve. The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs, While I’m guardin’ the stockin’s and tree.

What’s that now? Footsteps on the rooftop? Could it be a cat or mouse? Who’s this down the chimney? A thief with a beard and a big sack for robbin’ the house?

I’m barkin’, I’m growlin’, I’m bitin’ his butt. He howls and jumps back in his sleigh. I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air! I’ve frightened the whole bunch away!

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again. The stockin’s are safe as can be. Won’t the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow and see how I’ve guarded the tree!!

 

Alaska Department of Fish and Game

In light of the rising frequency of human – grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

We advise that kerry owners wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear & grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

 

Kerries as Hunting Dogs

During the pheasant season, a sports enthusiast rented a Kerry at a hunting lodge and had wonderful luck with him. A month later he went back and described the dog he wanted because he had forgotten to ask its name.

“Oh you want Seller,” beamed the lodge owner. “We’ve raised his rate from $25 to $50.”

The hunter took the Kerry out anyway and enjoyed another fine day. When he went back the following month, he asked for Seller. The lodge owner explained that the dog was now called “Super Seller” and cost $75. The hunter took him just the same, insisting he was well worth the money.

The next month when the hunter drove up in his car, the lodge owner greeted him with a sad smile. He said, “You can’t have your favorite dog this time. A few days ago we made the mistake of naming him “Sales Manager.” Now, all he will do is sit on his tail and bark.”

 

Picture of Bianca courtesy Natalia Samajova, from Slovakia <[email protected]>

  

Mice

Submitted by Paul McCloskey

One day a Kerry dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the Kerry, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.” The Kerry thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the Kerry and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the Kerry and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the Kerry and asks him how was he doing. The Kerry replies better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!

 

Homework Inquiry

Submitted by Maryanne Schaefer

“Johny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little

boy while holding out her hand.

“My Kerry blue ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me

to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted the boy. “I had to force him,

but he ate it!”