Fifth Batch of Kerry Jokes

 

Vacuum Sales

A little old lady and her dog answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money and besides, my dog’s a Kerry Blue Terrier and they don’t shed.” Then she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse hair all over her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse hair from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”

 

The Driver’s License

A blonde woman and her Kerry were speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

 

Jewish Kerry Blue

Submitted by Chelo Lewter

Mortimer visits Dr Saul, the veterinarian, and says, “My dog has a problem”.

Vet says: “So tell me about the dog’s problem”.

Mortimer says: “He’s a Jewish kerry, his name is Irving and he can talk”.

Vet says: “He can talk?” doubting Mortimer.

Mortimer says: “Watch this”. Mortimer points to the kerry and says: “Irving, Fetch”.

Irving walks towards the door, tail up, turns around and says:

“So why are you talking to me like that?”.

“You always order me around like I’m nothing”.

“You only call me when you want something”.

“You make me sleep on the floor with my arthritis”.

“You never take me for a decent walk”.

Vet (Dr Saul) is shocked: “This is remarkable…what is his problem?”.

Mortimer says: “He has a hearing problem ! I said ‘fetch’ not ‘kvetch’.

Editor’s Note: “Kvetch” means “complain” in Yiddish.

Time-honored Names            

Submitted by Chelo Lewter

A poodle was visiting her kerry friend, who’s human lakey acquired two new dogs. The poodle asked their names.

The kerry ansered: “Rolex and Timex”.

The poodle said: “Whoever heard of naming dogs like that?”.

The kerry answered: “They are watch dogs”.

 

The Momentous Question

For many months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, “I think it’s a wonderful idea!”

“Can I help you pick a Kerry puppy?”